Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
