I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
