So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
