Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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