Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
