If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
