How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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