sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Even my vagina gasped.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
