New invention idea: vibrating tampons
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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