Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
