So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
