making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
ttyl tear gas
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
