The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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