Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
