It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
