Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
