can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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