Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
