It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
