He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I lost the right to judge tonight
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
