We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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