My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
