sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
