Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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