i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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