I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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