Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
