Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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