Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
