It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
