I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
