I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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