Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
