you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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