Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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