I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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