i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
