I can't breathe out the right side of my face
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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