we have officially lost it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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