going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
