Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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