maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
