I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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