Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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