Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
