I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
