Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
