God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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