I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
