Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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