I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He did a backflip because drugs
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
